My life is driven by, and built around, fear at the moment.

There have been many a moment and days where I literally can’t work because I am paralysed by fear. I sit at my desk with my hands under my thighs. My body is catatonic with absolute fear of never ever being able to complete this humongous task ahead of me in the time that I am allotted… The work that is required for this thesis is immense and on more than one occasion I have seriously questioned how realistic it is to expect the work to be completed in the time that is available… Confronted by the mountain of work ahead of me, I literally stop in my steps, filled with dread of the effort and energy required…

And then there are moments where I am so scared shitless that I actually put myself to work… so much so that I don’t actually stop working. I become too afraid of the consequences to stop work… So I end up pulling cycles of all-nighters followed by whole days where I sleep off the exhaustion. The thing is, at the end of these long sleeps, the fear that paralyses returns and catches hold of me. I crawl under the doona, refusing to wake up to face the harsh reality that is the nightmare of my life. Productivity is replaced by paralysis and denial…

My hours awake have become one big nightmare. My mind runneth over with thoughts that bring nothing but fear and apprehension. My hours asleep, conversely, are the only things that keep me sane and alive - it is only in sleep that I think of nothing and find solace… provided I fall asleep that is… the transition from alertness to slumber has become an issue.

In the past three or four nights, I found myself crying spontaneously. There is nothing specific that prompts these combustive bawling sessions. Just everything in general. I go through my days with eyes swollen with tears threatening to flow. This is not good. This is not “normal”.

I am in such darkness that I don’t know if I am in a tunnel heading in one direction (hopefully the right one) or in a box going around in circles…

My life at the moment is one big cycle driven by fear.

Stop and stare
I think I’m moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I’ve become what I can’t be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you’re ‘here’ not there
And you’d give anything to get what’s fair
But fair ain’t what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see
- “Stop and Stare”, One Republic

Posted on July 22nd, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | 2 Comments »

Posted on June 18th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: work | 2 Comments »

How does one know that “love” is “real”?

While it’s entirely possible that two people can care and even “love” each other, how do we know that these emotions are the result of “romantic attraction” and not the result of habituation and “socialisation”?

While what the other party says might tell us something, they are not definitive as it is not unheard of that people say things they don’t necessarily mean.

This leaves with us having to observe actions/behaviour. However, does this mean all behaviour or only some? Is there perhaps a distinction to be made between critical behaviour and more mundane less important acts? So for instance, it says something when someone is willing to change their jobs and relocate just to be with you but it really doesn’t say much that he doesn’t call you everyday?

In observing behaviour, are one-off actions important, or do they have to be repeated before they acquire any meaning? Thus, does the fact that he remembered an important occassion and took you out for a fancy dinner say more than the fact that he constantly expects you to let him do what he wants even if it’s not what you want?

How do we discern, from the diverse range of human behaviour that “love” is “true”?

Or do we, as a friend intimated, rely on “intuition” and “gut feel” instead of on “facts”? And if so, how certain can we be of the reliability of our “intuition”?

Posted on June 2nd, 2008 by jl
Filed under: love | 13 Comments »

I’ve had to cancel a trip this weekend to see my boyfriend.

That’s how bad things are becoming.

I used to have time to watch an hour of “tv” in bed before going to sleep but in the past week that little luxury has disappeared.

For the first four months of this year, I went to the gym four times a week. In the past month, I’d be lucky if I managed to squeeze two trips out of the week.

I have it on good authority that this isn’t the worst yet. It is to come.

Frankly, I’m over it.

I’m tired of feeling constantly stressed.

I’m tired of constantly thinking about the thesis, even if it’s a nagging, annoying voice at the back of my head.

I’m tired of being in constant fear that the thesis will not be good enough or that I will never complete it.

I’m tired of being constantly on the verge of tears.

I’m tired of constantly juggling so many different priorities and activities that can never truly be reconciled.

I’m tired of feeling constantly paralysed from all this fear, anxiety and stress to the point of feeling catatonic half the time and completely unworthy the other half.

They really should have a health warning on PhDs, but they don’t. Meanwhile, I feel ready to be institutionalised into an asylum. I’m ready to crack.

Posted on May 30th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | No Comments »

I have just consciously realised that I’ve become a social zombie.

While I can manage pleasant innocuous conversations, such as:

you: How are you?
me: I’m fine. How are you going?
you: well thanks. isn’t the weather lovely?
me: yeah… it’s nice out in the sun.

that’s about all I can manage.

I can’t quite bring myself to be interested in anyone, or anyone else’s life. My mind is either too preoccupied with the all-imposing, all-embracing, never-ending nature of my own work, i.e. the PhD, or I’m actively trying to blank out my mind, albeit temporarily, to the extent that I can’t activate my cerebral capacities to engage in anything more than the most mundane of conversations.

Conversely, I also don’t want to talk about myself right now. My life at the moment rotates around the PhD and that is far too depressing and stressful a subject to even broach. There are few things that might stand independently apart from the PhD, not even my relationship since any discussion of that will inevitably lead to discussions about the future and the future, unfortunately, is inherently bound up with the PhD. You might suggest “shopping”, an activity that I have previously very much enjoyed and revelled in but sadly, given the priority that needs to be accorded to the PhD right now, I can’t say that I’ve actually gone on a “proper” shopping trip in ages. I can barely squeeze out time to go buy groceries let alone indulge in a luxurious shopping expedition. If and when I do manage to find time to wander around the shops, the experience has been less than satisfactory for quite a while now given how distracted, nay colonised my mind is by the PhD.

So I find myself a social zombie, unable to converse, uninterested in asking about “you”, preferring instead to just sit and stare in silence.

Posted on May 28th, 2008 by jl
Filed under: Life!, work | 4 Comments »